How ‘bout Not Equating Death with Stopping?

Alanis Morissette has a lyric in her song, “Thank You,” that asks the question, “How ‘bout not equating death with stopping?” Stopping what? Stopping the life of the person that died? Stopping the love we had for them? Stopping our own life from moving forward? Stopping a relationship that can keep growing? Alanis, help me out.

Since I do not have a personal relationship with Alanis, yet, I started to bounce some of these questions around in my own mind (with the assistance of some bereaved siblings) to determine where I sat with some of these quandaries.

This led me down the rabbit hole of: where does the energy go when the body dies? It reminds me of the First Law of Thermodynamics: “Energy can neither be created nor destroyed; it just transforms from one form to another.” If that is the case, then my sister Lauren may not be here in physical body—her energy, however, is still here.

So, if her energy is still somewhere, then why not with me and my family? I often have to remind myself that our energy is housed within our bodies. Our bodies can only be in one place at one time. Our energy, on the other hand, can be in many places all at once. She can be with me, my mom, my dad, and a higher power (fill in your spiritual belief here) all at once. Energy is in and around everything.

Building upon the theory that she is still here and can be in many places at once, then is my relationship actually over? The Second Law of Thermodynamics states, “Energy is in constant motion.” That means that my relationship with my sister is not over, and it will not stop. Every time I tell her story, every time I speak about her with people that never met her, every time I do a random act of kindness in her honor, it keeps our relationship alive and growing.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics also means I can never be stuck, not even in my grief. Everything is always moving forward and changing. The question is, “How am I moving forward with the rest of life?” Am I digging my heels into the past of what should have, could have, would have been? Am I just recreating the pain of my loss day after day? Or am I learning to look at both life and death in new ways to continue to grow?

All that being said, I have entertained the idea that she is dead and gone, both in body and energy. That there is no trace of her left and I am making all this up in my head. And that is surely possible.

Then I remember that her body is buried 30 minutes from my house. “Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” We came from dust and return to dust. Her dust has returned back to the earth.

I also realize that we all take the information we are given and create our own stories around it. So why not create a story where my relationship with my sister is still alive and present in my life? A story where she can receive my love for her directly. A story that gives me hope to move forward and not stop.

I would rather be HAPPY than RIGHT.