What If Everything You've Heard About Grief Is Wrong?
As Halloween approaches, I am reminded of the excitement I experienced as a child. Getting dressed up, walking around the neighborhood with my friends, getting the scoop on the houses that had the best candy, and coming home with a plastic pumpkin full of stuff. Some houses gave out homemade brownies, other houses gave out candied apples, and you always had that one house that gave out pennies.
Sometime in my high school years, a story came out that houses were putting razor blades hidden in apples and that parents should not allow their children to take unwrapped/homemade treats. Immediately, all the homemade items disappeared.
At the time, I took this story of razor blades in the apples as absolute truth. It was ingrained into my head not to take any handmade treats from the neighbors because they WILL have a razor blade in them, or at least something that will make me sick. All the years of trick-or-treating and I never had an issue. One story that gets spread around and it is all gone.
This is the power of stories. We imagine it to be true, attach emotion to it (fear), and it becomes true, whether it actually happened or not.
The same thing happens with our grief. I go online and read these inspirational quotes. They sound like sage wisdom. I repeat them in my head and accept them as truth without really giving them a second thought.
It is important to question your beliefs (especially around grief) because many beliefs are built upon faulty premises.
For the last many years, I have been asking all my friends and family if they or anyone they knew ever found a razor blade in their Halloween treats. I have yet to find anyone who has said yes. And, if you or anyone you know can answer yes to that question, please let me know.
As far as stories around grief, the "grief takes time", is one that drives me a little crazy. Yes, it is true that everyone has their own timeline in grief. Everyone's grief is different. Even within the same family, every person in that family has their own rhythm.
My issue arises in how you are using that time. Are you using your time to sit and wallow in your pain and suffering, or are you using that time to get help and support to dig into those dark areas, move through the fear, and come out the other side?
I lost my sister when she was 24. That made me realize that time is not a given. We have to make the best use of our time possible. Especially when things are hard and challenging.
What do you believe about grief?
Question everything.
Go with Power,
Jason
Try this Simple Practice:
Questioning Beliefs
This week, write down three things you believe about grief. They might be things you've heard, read, or just always assumed were true.
Then ask yourself about each one:
Where did I learn this?
Is this actually helping me heal, or is it keeping me comfortable in my pain?
What would change if I stopped believing this?
What do I want to believe instead?
You don't need to have answers right away. Just notice what comes up when you question what you've accepted as truth.
Sometimes the first step toward healing is simply asking: "Is this really true for me?"