A Strange Lesson From Rock–Paper–Scissors.
When I was a child, there was a very sophisticated way of conflict resolution. It was the game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors". For those of you that are unfamiliar with this game, Rock smashes Scissors, Paper covers Rock, Scissors cut Paper, and a tie means a do-over. It was usually 2 out of 3 wins. You knew that this strategy was going to be employed when one of you made a fist and held it above an open palm. One, Two, Three, Go.
Recently I read that there was a study done about the best strategy used to win more often at the game (whether it is scientifically valid does not matter for the sake of this email). The research showed that people who were able to forget about the previous attempt were more likely to win the attempt they were in. Those participants that tried to figure out the next move based on previous moves lost more often.
The research goes on to explain that when you try to figure out the next play by previous attempts, you unknowingly start to fall into a pattern. Once you fall into a pattern, the other player can more easily recognize that pattern and counteract it. If you let go of the past and get present in the moment, then your next attempt is more random and less pattern-driven.
Learning to manage grief, we are playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" with ourselves.
As a Body-Centered Grief Therapist, of course we want to look at our past patterns so we have a better understanding of how we will react to certain triggers and stimuli. Of course we want to learn tools to pivot when the grief starts to get overwhelming (I call these reactive tools). And, of course we want to implement strategies to get ourselves into a resourceful place every single day (proactive strategies) so that we can deal with the overwhelm more effectively. And, we need to practice those tools and strategies, so when we are in the moment of a grief surge, they happen automatically.
Each time grief surges it is different. There are different triggers, different sensations in the body, different feelings, different thoughts. So, what if, in those moments, we were to stop trying to figure it all out. What if we could stop letting the previous attempts affect our present moment? What if we could just take a moment and acknowledge (and accept) the pain, the sadness, the holes that are left behind? Notice how this moment is unique. Notice how this moment may be painful and beautiful at the same time.
The moment we can accept the present as it is, that is when change is possible. Most people forget this step. They want to run right from pain to pleasure. Without accepting the truth of the moment, we are bypassing a critical step. Once you find acceptance, that is the time to implement your tools and strategies.
Don't let your past dictate your future. Get present in the moment, accept your experience, and then decide the path forward.
Go with power,
Jason
Try this Simple Practice:
Getting Present.
Pause - Stop whatever you're doing. Place one hand on your heart and one on your belly.
Breathe - Take 3 slow breaths:
Breathe in for 4 counts
Breathe out for 4 counts
Notice - "What do I notice right now in this moment?"
Name 5 things you see.
Name 4 things you hear.
Name 3 things you feel on your body.
Name 2 things you smell.
Name 1 things you taste.
Choose - Now that you're present, ask: "What does this moment need?" (Not what worked before, not what might work later - what does THIS moment need?)
You can do this in 60 seconds, and it works whether you're managing grief or just trying to break out of repetitive patterns.