The Hidden Cost of Expectation.
As Thanksgiving approaches, you may be expecting this email to be about giving thanks and gratitude for all that we have in our lives.
And… you’d be wrong.
Let’s talk about the power that expectations have on our lives.
I’ll start with my own example.
My sister Lauren died in a car accident in 1998. She was 24 years old. When 2023 rolled around (which I still can’t believe is over two years ago), I started stressing out over the fact that she was about to be dead longer than she was alive. I built up this expectation in my head that June 29th, 2023 was going to be an incredibly painful day for me.
For six months straight, I drove myself crazy worrying about that date.
Six months irrationally fixated on one possibility of how I might feel.
Six months rehearsing the worst-case scenario.
I talked about it in meetings.
I made plans to clear my day.
I prepared to fall apart.
I lined up friends and colleagues to check in on me.
I did everything I could to brace for the impact I was convinced was coming.
And then… June 29th arrived.
I woke up, checked in with myself, got present, and realized it was just another day.
Six months of stress.
Six months of fear.
Six months of emotional exhaustion… for what?
Just another day.
Now, if you’re new to your grief journey, I encourage you to put a strategy in place for the hard days. That’s not weakness, that’s wisdom. Create a plan that empowers you and keeps you in the driver’s seat of your grief.
But I’ve been living with this loss for over 24 years. I have tools. I have practices. I know how to navigate my thoughts, emotions, and actions effectively.
And still… I let expectation steal my joy for half a year.
Expectation is powerful, but it’s not always the enemy.
It can be wielded intentionally.
What if we directed our expectations toward the best possible outcomes, instead of the worst?
What if we stopped letting the past dictate our present?
What if the way we want to feel in the future guided our decisions today?
What if we remembered how our loved ones lived, instead of fixating on how they died?
What if we felt their presence more than their absence?
Where we focus our attention, our energy flows.
So this holiday season, choose how you want to feel — and make decisions that honor that choice.
Your choices may not be popular with every family member, and that’s okay.
They’re not responsible for your peace.
Protect your peace this holiday season.
Go with power,
Jason
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Try this Simple Practice:
Letting go of Expectation
1. Notice where the expectation lives. (10 seconds)
Close your eyes and ask your body:
“Where am I holding the pressure of this expectation?”
Your chest?
Your stomach?
Your shoulders?
Wherever it is, that’s your starting point.
2. Place your hand there and breathe. (30 seconds)
Rest your hand over the spot.
Take three slow breaths directly into that area.
(Not imagining it, actually directing your breath there.)
Your body always softens when it feels seen.
3. Name the expectation. (10 seconds)
Quietly say to yourself:
“The expectation is: ______.”
(Example: “The expectation is that today will be hard.”)
Naming it breaks its power.
4. Release the demand, keep the desire. (20 seconds)
Say softly:
“I let go of the demand. I allow the experience to unfold.”
Then take a breath and add:
“I can still desire peace… without demanding how it must look.”
This is the key shift — expectations are demands; desires are invitations.
5. Choose your state in one sentence. (10 seconds)
Ask: “How do I want to feel right now?”
Calm?
Steady?
Open?
Connected?
Then finish with:
“I choose to feel _____, and I will follow the choices that support that.”
6. One gentle grounding touch. (10 seconds)
Touch something with texture.
Put your feet on the floor.
Feel the weight of your body.
Anchor back into now, where expectations can’t survive.