Will & Surrender

I woke up this morning and realized one of the paradoxes of living intentionally: the deeper I dive into personal growth, the more I question every motivation behind my actions. Some days I wish I could return to an "ignorance is bliss" philosophy and move through life without this constant self-examination.

But I've tried that path before (before my sister died) and it could have led me to an early grave through overeating, drinking, and other behaviors that promised escape but delivered only emptiness. I cannot unknow what I now know about the interconnection between my inner world and outer reality. That awareness has become part of my fabric.

I've come to understand that no behavior is inherently good or bad, these are merely judgments we attribute to our actions. What matters is whether our behaviors serve our highest good. If you eat a piece of pumpkin pie to honor your loved one's memory, that act becomes sacred connection. If you consume the entire pie, you're likely serving a different master altogether.

Here's the philosophical tension I'm wrestling with: the delicate balance between human will and divine surrender.

When I lean too heavily into personal will, I become a machine of excessive discipline. I put my head down into work and forget to look up, monitor every morsel that enters my mouth, track every mile I run, and become so fixated on outcomes that I forget the sacred nature of the journey itself. I achieve goals but lose my soul in the process.

Then the pendulum swings toward surrender (but not the enlightened kind). I sleep excessively (which paradoxically drains my energy), I overindulge in food and drink, I become so present in the moment's abundance that I neglect my body's wisdom. You might think this overconsumption stems from suppressed emotions, and sometimes it does. But generally, I've learned to honor my feelings as they arise, preventing them from becoming trapped in my cellular memory. No, this is different. It's getting so lost in the journey that I abandon all sense of direction.

Here's what I'm discovering: My personal will must serve as a vehicle for surrendering to divine will. Rather than demanding the universe conform to my desires by screaming "MY SISTER SHOULD STILL BE ALIVE", I must learn to work in harmony with what has been given, however painful.

This is the philosophical tension: True surrender isn't passive resignation. It's actively aligning my will with something greater than my ego's agenda. It's using my human agency to serve a purpose beyond my limited understanding.

No matter what I do or how deeply I feel, Lauren will not return. But I have absolute choice in how I move forward with this grief. I can transform my will from a battering ram against reality into a craftsman's tool, shaping something meaningful from the raw material of loss. 

Finding that willful-surrender, using personal discipline in service of divine flow, requires constant recalibration. Just when I think I've found the sweet spot, life presents a new challenge designed to deepen my understanding. It's a continuous process of finding balance, losing it, and discovering center again at a deeper level.

The path forward isn't choosing between achieving goals OR enjoying the journey. It's discovering how your will can serve the mysterious intelligence that moves through all things, including you.