The Power of Redirecting Your Gaze.

When I lost my sister Lauren, my gaze naturally fixated on what I lost. The empty chair. The space where she used to be.  I would even sign her name on birthday cards to my parents as a way to mitigate the pain of her absence. It's human nature that grief pulled my attention like a magnet towards that absence, towards everything that's missing from my world.

Here's what I've learned about the nature of focus: wherever I direct my gaze, my energy follows. The power of redirecting my gaze isn't about denying my loss or forcing positivity, it's about recognizing that even in grief, I have a choice. I can choose to shift my attention from the void she left behind to the love I still have for her, from what ended to what remains eternal, from her physical absence to her continuing presence in my heart, my memories, and the way she forever changed who I am. 

In the beginning, the shift of focus is difficult. Like riding in an airplane, most of the energy is used in taking off. The plane shakes and rattles when speeding down the runway. Once the wheels lift off the ground, it is smooth sailing. Not to say that there will never be turbulence, in fact there usually is.  Turbulence are just the bumps along the way towards our destination.

I used to think that  if I gave up the pain of losing her, it would be like letting go of her memory. In fact, it was the opposite. Starting to shift my attention to how present she still is in my life (the bumble bee in my logo is an example), lets me remember how she lived, not just how she died. 

Refocusing on the beauty of my life takes less energy now because it is something that I have been practicing for over 26 years. Acknowledging my own strength and resilience, the courage to step out on my own and do things I am passionate about, shifting from only focusing on myself to serving others, these are just some of the ways both her life and death changed who I am. The outcomes of my grief have made me the man I am today.

A Simple Practice:

Before the waves of grief start to get overwhelming, take a moment every day to appreciate 3 things that you have in your life right now.

Don’t just think about it, feel it.