The Spark Is Yours. The Fire Comes Next.
You can’t always control whether the spark becomes a fire. But you can choose who you become while creating it.
I just got back from hosting Walking with Grief, a backpacking retreat in the Adirondacks.
While we were out in the woods, I was learning how to start a fire with flint. The guy teaching me demonstrated the technique. I watched, followed his instructions, and made sparks.
Spark. Spark. Spark.
No fire.
Another participant started a fire in seconds. SECONDS!
He told me he simply relaxed his body, kept breathing into the moment, and the fire started.
So I tried it. I relaxed. I breathed. I stayed present.
Spark. Spark. Spark.
Still no fire.
Now I was determined. And the more I tried to relax, the more frustrated I became. Even relaxing had become something I was trying to get right!
Then it hit me.
The only thing I had control over was creating the spark.
Whether that spark caught fire wasn't entirely in my hands. If creating sparks had been my goal, I was already successful.
But I didn't want sparks. I wanted FIRE!
And that's when I noticed something. I was showing up as someone who was trying to start a fire.
What if I stepped into a new identity?
I AM THE FIRE STARTER.
And wouldn't you know it? The fire started with ease.
Maybe it was the technique. Maybe the timing. Maybe a combination of everything. But something inside me shifted. I stopped identifying with the struggle and began relating to myself differently.
That's how life transitions can feel.
When someone we love dies, or our relationships, careers, family roles, or circumstances change, our identity changes too. The person we were doesn't always fit the life we're living now.
We can allow circumstances to define us without consciously participating in that process. Or we can actively create the person we're becoming.
That doesn't mean we control everything. Grief takes its own time, and support from others can make a difference. It means we can choose how we show up in the middle of what life brings.
You may not get to choose what happened to you. But you can participate in choosing who you become next.
Try this Simple Practice: Three Steps to Choose Who You're Becoming
Step 1: Notice your current identity. Think of an area where you're feeling stuck. Finish this statement: Right now, I'm someone who... Notice the story you're telling yourself, without judgment.
Step 2: Shift your physiology. Relax your shoulders. Unclench your jaw. Feel your feet on the ground. Take three intentional breaths. Give your body a moment to settle before deciding what comes next.
Step 3: Choose who you're becoming. Ask yourself, "Who do I need to BE?" Write one present-tense identity statement: I am someone who trusts myself. Or I am someone who can move forward while honoring my past. Take one small action that reflects that identity.
You don't have to wait for every circumstance to change before changing your relationship with it.
You can create the spark.
And sometimes, that's where the fire begins.
You can’t always control whether the spark becomes a fire. But you can choose who you become while creating it.
Go with Power,
Jason
New episode! Listen to Hope for Grief, my conversation with Rita De Michele on the Beyond Diagnosis Podcast.