The Many Ages of Grief
Grief is not a problem to solve. It is a lifelong companion that teaches us how precious life truly is.
Grief is not something you “get over.” It becomes a living, breathing part of your life.
And like all living, breathing things, it grows and changes over time.
I've heard grief described as being like a baby. In the beginning, it has no language.
All it does is eat, sleep, and poop. Unfortunately, unlike a baby (or perhaps like some babies), grief isn't cute.
Over time, grief develops language, skills, and ways of surviving. It goes through changes and begins to shape your life and the person you are becoming.
I've seen people bury their heads in the sand and allow grief to define who they are.
They let it control every decision they make and use it as a reason never to be happy again.
Early in my own journey, I made a commitment to myself and to my sister. That one decision changed everything.
I WILL NOT LET MY SISTER'S CAR ACCIDENT KILL ME TOO.
Even though I made that decision early on, it didn't stop me from burying my grief for the first few years.
During the first couple of years, I didn't realize I needed to deal with those heavy emotions. I went back to work and stayed busy trying to figure out my path in life.
I was doing what I thought I needed to do to honor my commitment. The truth is, you don't know what you don't know.
Busyness became my survival strategy. Moment by moment. If I didn't give myself time to think about my loss, then it didn't exist.
But my physical health was telling a different story.
I started gaining weight. I drank too much. I numbed myself with television (the internet wasn't really a thing yet - yes, I'm aging myself). I ignored all the healthier and more productive ways I could have been spending my time.
Then one thought hit me hard:
I am such an a-hole. My sister didn't get enough time, and here I am wasting the time I still have.
That was the moment I realized I needed to expand around my grief.
If I didn't grow, grief would consume me. I wouldn't be able to fulfill the commitment I had made. I would become one of the walking dead—alive, but not really living.
You need to remember that our brains are built for survival, not happiness. We're often more comfortable with the pain we know than the happiness we can't yet imagine. When given the choice, we tend to stay where we are rather than venture into the unknown.
That's why growth happens outside your comfort zone.
So, outside my comfort zone I went.
I needed to start talking about my experience as a bereaved sibling.
While some people make grief their entire identity, I went in the opposite direction. I didn't want to be known as "the guy whose sister died," so I left that part out of my story entirely.
Eventually, I started bringing up my sister more often in conversations with friends, family, and even strangers.
Because I often felt that my grief as a bereaved sibling was invalidated, I began to wonder how many other bereaved siblings felt the same way.
That curiosity led me to become more public with my experience. I started speaking on podcasts, appearing on online shows, and eventually writing a book about grief.
Now, more than 25 years later, my grief feels like a young adult.
It has gone through its rebellious stages and settled into something different. It still walks beside me every day.
Through it all, I've come to see grief as a trusted friend.
It has taught me the importance of using my time wisely.
It has given me the courage to step outside my comfort zone.
It has made me more compassionate toward others and more aware of what people may be carrying beneath the surface.
Most importantly, it has reminded me that life is precious.
That being said, I've also had time to become curious about my grief.
And yes, I mean curious.
I've explored things that helped and things that didn't. I continue doing more of what works and less of what doesn't.
So don't judge yourself for where you are right now.
Know that this moment is simply one step toward the next.
Whether you're keeping yourself busy so you don't have to think about your loss, or you're staying in bed because facing the world feels impossible, give yourself grace.
There may come a time when you'll need to make a different choice.
When that time comes, give yourself the space to make it.
One step. One choice. One moment at a time.
Go with power,
Jason
Somatic Grief Therapist
Try this Simple Practice:
Grief Growth Practice
1. Notice Where Your Grief Is Today
Ask yourself:
"If my grief had an age today, how old would it be?"
Is it an infant that just needs care and rest?
A teenager acting out and demanding attention?
A young adult trying to find its place in your life?
Don't judge the answer. Just notice it.
2. Get Curious Instead of Critical
Ask:
"What is my grief trying to teach me right now?"
Maybe it needs you to slow down.
Maybe it needs you to talk about your loved one.
Maybe it is reminding you to ask for help.
Maybe it is showing you where healing still needs to happen.
Approach grief with curiosity rather than resistance.
3. Step Outside Your Comfort Zone
Ask yourself:
"What's one small thing I can do today that feels uncomfortable, but moves me forward?"
It might be sharing a memory, asking for help, or trying something new.
Growth begins where comfort ends. Your grief can walk beside you, but it doesn't have to decide where you're going.
Grief changes with time. The question isn't whether it will grow and evolve, the question is whether we will grow and evolve alongside it.
Grief changes. We change. The challenge is learning how to grow together. I recently had the opportunity to talk about my journey as a bereaved sibling and some of the lessons grief has taught me over the years.
Final Thoughts
If there is one thing I have learned over the past 25 years, it is this:
Grief is not the enemy.
It is not something to defeat, fix, or leave behind.
Grief is a reflection of love. And when the love is deep, the grief will be too.
The goal is not to get rid of your grief. The goal is to continue growing alongside it.
Some seasons will require rest. Some will require courage. Some will ask you to step outside your comfort zone and choose life again.
No matter where you are in your journey, trust that grief will continue to change.
And so will you.
One day, you may even discover what I did, that the very thing you wished had never entered your life became one of your greatest teachers.