The Meaning We Choose.
The events of our lives don't shape us nearly as much as the meaning we choose to give them. Change the meaning, and you change your life.
Every year, a guy from my dad's grief support group charters a fishing boat for a day of fishing and remembering the life of his son who passed away. As soon as I find out the date of the trip, it goes straight into my calendar.
This trip is important to me for a lot of reasons.
First, I get to spend the day with my dad. It's one of those rare times when we get to check in with each other and talk about life, death, and everything in between.
Second, it's a beautiful example of remembering someone's life, not just the way they died.
Third, I usually come home with dinner.
And fourth, the profits from the trip are donated to an organization that was meaningful to his son.
This one day carries so many different meanings.
Just like every situation in our lives.
The situations themselves don't create our suffering.
The meaning we give them does.
So, what meaning are you giving to the biggest challenges in your life?
Is it the thing that's going to pull you down...
Or the thing that will help you rise?
Is it the worst thing that's ever happened to you...
Or the experience that will create your greatest growth?
Every meaning is available to us at any given moment.
The stories we tell ourselves are just that... stories.
So why not choose one that serves you?
One that puts you in a resourceful place instead of one that keeps you stuck.
Here's something else I've noticed.
The meaning comes from the mind, not the heart.You can change the meaning of a situation and still honor your feelings about it.
When my sister died, I gave it the meaning that it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
From there, I found myself focusing on everything that was wrong in my life.
Our thoughts follow our beliefs.
Before long, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The more I focused on everything that was wrong, the more evidence I found that life was terrible.
Then I remembered a promise I had made to myself... and to Lauren.
I wasn't going to let her car accident kill me too.
Living in the negative wasn't keeping that promise.
I realized I had become one of the walking dead.
Alive on the outside.
Dead on the inside.
Something had to change.
So I asked myself...
Who better to ask for advice about Lauren's death than Lauren herself?
I started a practice of sitting on my meditation cushion and imagining the two of us sitting together on a park bench.
I'd have a two-way conversation with her.
The key was experiencing it as if it were happening right then... not remembering it from the outside, but living it from within.
I'd ask her how I could move forward.
Then I'd simply listen.
Here are a few of the things I learned from those conversations.
Life is short, so make the most of the time you have left.
Have the courage to do the things that make you happy.
If something isn't working, change your approach until it does.
Failure isn't the opposite of success. It's part of it.
Our relationship was rocky when she was alive...
And underneath all of it...There was love.
Over time, I chose to change the meaning of my loss.
Today, I see it as my greatest teacher.
That doesn't mean I never get sad when I think about her.
Because I do.
It simply means I can honor the sadness without believing it will last forever.
I know the wave will pass.
And when it does...
There's usually something waiting for me on the other side that I couldn't have seen before.
Go with power,
Jason
Somatic Grief Therapist
Try this Simple Practice:
Choose the Meaning Practice
1. Sit With the Moment
Find a quiet place. Close your eyes and replay the situation as if it were happening right now . . .not as a memory, but as a present experience.
2. Ask One Question
Without judging it, ask yourself:
"What meaning am I giving this?"
Simply notice whatever comes up.
3. Create a New Meaning
Then ask:
"What's another meaning that could be just as true?"
Choose one that brings you more peace, compassion, or possibility.
4. Experience It
For a few minutes, imagine that new meaning is true. Don't analyze it. Feel it. Notice how your body changes. Notice what becomes possible.
Sometimes you can't change what happened. But you can change what it means. And that can change everything.
Healing doesn't always happen sitting still. Sometimes it begins with taking the next step. Join us for Walking with Grief™ this October in the Adirondacks.